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Funny Jokes


How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they prefer to stay in the dark.

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This bloke just came in my workplace shouting, β€œVodka, tequila, sambuca!”

I said, β€œOi! I call the shots round here!”

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What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?

The snack that’s also crack.

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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.

You need to keep your mouth shut.

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I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.

It was a shock to the cistern.

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Why did the 30-year-old throw a party with only one candle on the cake?

They didn’t want to set off the fire alarm with all those candles!

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How many nuns are there in a temple?

Nun.

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Your mama so old when she was young, rainbows were black and white!

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Did you know R2D2 loves to curse?

They have to bleep out all his words.

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A youthful, cheerful woman enters an elevator with an older man.

β€œTGIF!” says the woman with a big smile.

β€œS.h.i.t,” he deadpans as he slowly turns to face her.

Thinking he didn’t hear her, the woman gently repeats β€œT.G.I.F.”

He merely says, β€œS.h.i.t.” as slowly as he can.

β€œT.G.I.F. is for Thank God It’s Friday, Silly!” she exclaims, exasperated.

β€œI know that, but it’s Thursday,” the man responds.

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Yo mama so fat her blood type is Nutella.

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After a month of dieting, I lost 30 days.

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How did the roofing company become so successful?

They nailed it.

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A mother noticed her little daughter praying.

β€œPlease, God,” the little girl kept saying, β€œBless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.”

β€œWhy did you make such as strange request?” the mother asked.

β€œBecause that’s what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!”

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What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

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Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.

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What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?

Mozzartrella.

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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?

β€œMensch on a bench”.

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Why did the tofu cross the road?

To prove he wasn’t chicken.

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What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?

He’s lost his head!

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