How many non-vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they prefer to stay in the dark.
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This bloke just came in my workplace shouting, βVodka, tequila, sambuca!β
I said, βOi! I call the shots round here!β
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What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?
The snack thatβs also crack.
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You canβt lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
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I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
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Why did the 30-year-old throw a party with only one candle on the cake?
They didnβt want to set off the fire alarm with all those candles!
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How many nuns are there in a temple?
Nun.
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Your mama so old when she was young, rainbows were black and white!
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Did you know R2D2 loves to curse?
They have to bleep out all his words.
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A youthful, cheerful woman enters an elevator with an older man.
βTGIF!β says the woman with a big smile.
βS.h.i.t,β he deadpans as he slowly turns to face her.
Thinking he didnβt hear her, the woman gently repeats βT.G.I.F.β
He merely says, βS.h.i.t.β as slowly as he can.
βT.G.I.F. is for Thank God Itβs Friday, Silly!β she exclaims, exasperated.
βI know that, but itβs Thursday,β the man responds.
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Yo mama so fat her blood type is Nutella.
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After a month of dieting, I lost 30 days.
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How did the roofing company become so successful?
They nailed it.
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A mother noticed her little daughter praying.
βPlease, God,β the little girl kept saying, βBless my father and my mother and make Melaka the capital city of Malaysia.β
βWhy did you make such as strange request?β the mother asked.
βBecause thatβs what I wrote in my Geography test this morning!β
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What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
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Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.
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What is a pianistβs favorite cheese?
Mozzartrella.
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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
βMensch on a benchβ.
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Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasnβt chicken.
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What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?
Heβs lost his head!
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