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Funny Jokes


What do all men in singles bars have in common? They're married.

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There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't.

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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

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Do not be racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

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How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the guy pushing it.

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!"

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter, none of them work.

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

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Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No you’re not."

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What does a basketball player do when he loses his eyesight? Becomes a referee.

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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There are two theories of arguing with women. Neither one works.

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

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Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know"
Blonde: "Why doesn't anyone know!"

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Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

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Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years."

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Mother, "How was school today, Johnny?"
Johnny, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Oh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Johnny, "What school?"

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When the moth hit the windshield, what was the last thing to go through its mind? It's butt!

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A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar."
Johnny asks, "Why?"
His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

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Jesus was a typical man. They always say they'll come back, but you never see them again.

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork?!"

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Husband: "Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet seat."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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Old woman in church: "I've just done a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Husband: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"OMG, donut seeds!"

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Why are basketball players messy eaters? They’re always dribbling.

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My aunt is 86, but she doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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