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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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Husband: "Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet seat."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"

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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

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Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

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My aunt is 86, but she doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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Mother, "How was school today, Johnny?"
Johnny, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Oh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Johnny, "What school?"

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What do all men in singles bars have in common? They're married.

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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

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Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

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The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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Do not be racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

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β€œI’m sorry” and β€œI apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!"

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There are two theories of arguing with women. Neither one works.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

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β€œDad, how do stars die?”
β€œUsually an overdose.”

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When the moth hit the windshield, what was the last thing to go through its mind? It's butt!

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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, β€œWhat do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says β€œI’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, β€œThat’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, β€œI don’t care about what you think!”

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"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork?!"

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

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A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar."
Johnny asks, "Why?"
His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

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Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years."

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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

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Why are basketball players messy eaters? They’re always dribbling.

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