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Funny Jokes


Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

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β€œDad, how do stars die?”
β€œUsually an overdose.”

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Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years."

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

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Jesus was a typical man. They always say they'll come back, but you never see them again.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know"
Blonde: "Why doesn't anyone know!"

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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter, none of them work.

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The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.

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What do all men in singles bars have in common? They're married.

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

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Why are basketball players messy eaters? They’re always dribbling.

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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My aunt is 86, but she doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight out of the bottle.

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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, β€œWhat do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says β€œI’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, β€œThat’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, β€œI don’t care about what you think!”

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Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.

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Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

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What does a basketball player do when he loses his eyesight? Becomes a referee.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

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Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

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Old woman in church: "I've just done a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Husband: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't.

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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Husband: "Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet seat."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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When the moth hit the windshield, what was the last thing to go through its mind? It's butt!

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"OMG, donut seeds!"

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Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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Do not be racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

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There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

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β€œI’m sorry” and β€œI apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

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