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Funny Jokes


What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

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There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't.

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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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What do all men in singles bars have in common? They're married.

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

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There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

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"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork?!"

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How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the guy pushing it.

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A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar."
Johnny asks, "Why?"
His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

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Why are basketball players messy eaters? They’re always dribbling.

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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

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β€œI’m sorry” and β€œI apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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Old woman in church: "I've just done a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Husband: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

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Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

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Jesus was a typical man. They always say they'll come back, but you never see them again.

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

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Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, β€œWhat do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says β€œI’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, β€œThat’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, β€œI don’t care about what you think!”

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Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years."

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Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No you’re not."

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A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
The blonde did not know how the salesman had recognized her. This time, she got a haircut and new color, a new outfit and big sunglasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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When the moth hit the windshield, what was the last thing to go through its mind? It's butt!

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I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter, none of them work.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

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Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know"
Blonde: "Why doesn't anyone know!"

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What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

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Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.

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Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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