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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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Husband: "Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet seat."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.

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β€œI’m sorry” and β€œI apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

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Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No you’re not."

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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

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My aunt is 86, but she doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight out of the bottle.

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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What does a basketball player do when he loses his eyesight? Becomes a referee.

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

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There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't.

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When the moth hit the windshield, what was the last thing to go through its mind? It's butt!

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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, but not like the other passengers in the car with him.

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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What do all men in singles bars have in common? They're married.

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Do not be racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, β€œWhat do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says β€œI’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, β€œThat’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, β€œI don’t care about what you think!”

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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"OMG, donut seeds!"

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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Jesus was a typical man. They always say they'll come back, but you never see them again.

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

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β€œDad, how do stars die?”
β€œUsually an overdose.”

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Mother, "How was school today, Johnny?"
Johnny, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Oh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Johnny, "What school?"

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!"

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A mother tells her little boy, "Johnny, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar."
Johnny asks, "Why?"
His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!"
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

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There are two theories of arguing with women. Neither one works.

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

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Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

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I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

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How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

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Why are basketball players messy eaters? They’re always dribbling.

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