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Funny Jokes


Why can't a blonde dial 911?
She can't find the eleven.

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

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Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

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Old woman in church: "I've just done a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
Husband: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

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Doctor says to his patient: "You have cancer and Alzheimer."
Patient: "At least I don't have cancer."

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, β€œWhat do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says β€œI’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, β€œThat’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, β€œI don’t care about what you think!”

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The dad said, "Well it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!"

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Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No you’re not."

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Mother, "How was school today, Johnny?"
Johnny, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Oh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Johnny, "What school?"

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What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

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Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years."

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Do not be racist, be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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Why are basketball players messy eaters? They’re always dribbling.

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Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top.
"Oh, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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There are three types of people, those who can count and those who can't.

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What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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"Mom, where do tampons go?"
"Where the babies come from, darling."
"In a stork?!"

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Eve: "Adam, do you love me?"
Adam: "Who else?"

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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

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Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

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Jesus was a typical man. They always say they'll come back, but you never see them again.

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There are two theories of arguing with women. Neither one works.

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When the moth hit the windshield, what was the last thing to go through its mind? It's butt!

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?
Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"
The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

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Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.

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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

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My aunt is 86, but she doesn't need glasses. She drinks straight out of the bottle.

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

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What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box?
"OMG, donut seeds!"

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

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The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to upset you.

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Why do Jews have big noses?
Because the air is free.

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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What do all men in singles bars have in common? They're married.

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Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

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How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the guy pushing it.

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Husband: "Every time I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet seat."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

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