Two men were talking about their wives.
The first man says, "My wife is an angel."
The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don't know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
What do you call a dog that can do magic?
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.
Why are a push-up bra and a bag of chips the same?
You open it up and realize it's already half empty!
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?