Funny Jokes

A Frenchman in London

A Frenchman staying at a London hotel phones room service.

"I would like some pepper, please," says the Frenchman.

"Certainly, sir," says room service. "Black pepper or white pepper?"

"Neither," says the Frenchman. "Toilet pepper!"

Two Left Feet

A man with two left feet walks into a shoe shop and buys some flip flips.

A Deer For Dinner

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The dad said, "Well it's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!"

No One

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

A Snake In Bed

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe.

Jesus Is Watching You

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.

He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."

The burglar sad, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"


"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"

A Pay Rise

Employee: "Boss, I've got married. Can I get a pay rise?"

Boss: "We do not compensate for the accidents that happen outside of the work place."

Eyebrows Too High

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

The Heart of a Lion

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

Germans and Lightbulb

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, they're efficient and not very funny.