Your hairline and my grandpa go way back.
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The sunflower couldnβt ride a bicycle anymore.
Its petals broke.
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Yo mama so fat her school pictures were taken by a satellite.
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My 2 year old sisterβs stinky feet were smelling like cheese.
My dad was wondering what happened, so I told him that she had chee-toes.
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What is going through a mothβs mind when it flies into a car windshield?
Its abdomen.
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They say itβs good luck for a seagull to poo on you.
It is, for the seagull, obviously, not for you.
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My orthopedic surgeon has the bone-dacity to tell jokes during surgery.
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How is the submarine doing at school?
Itβs below c-level.
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My tight-fisted neighbor doesnβt want to pay for an electrician to re-wire his house so heβs going to try and do it himself.
βHow hard can it be?β he said.
I think heβs in for a shock.
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What do American Elves on the Shelf drink?
Minniesodas.
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Asking your crush out is easy and can be done with two simple questions:
1. Would you go out with me?
2. Why not?
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Whatβs a neckbeardβs favorite thing to put on toast?
Marmβlady.
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An orchestra conductor calls 911, βHelp! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?β
The 911 operator says, βSimple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.β
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Adam meets a witch.
The witch tells him: βTell me I am pretty, or you will be cursed!β
Adam: βSorry, but I donβt find you attractive.β
Witch: βTake that back, or you most surely will be cursed!
Adam: βNope. Youβre hideous.β
The witch then transformed him into an ant.
Witch: βLook where your rudeness brought you!β
Adam: βYeah, this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.β
Witch: βVery well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!β
He is still adamant.
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What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
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Why do people ignore filled donuts?
Because they are just full of themselves.
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Sergeant: βI didnβt see you at camouflage training.β
Private: βThank you, sir!β
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Knock! Knock!
βWhoβs there?β
βIce cream.β
βIce cream, who?β
βTobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.β
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Remember Dexter, who was going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson?
Not sure which race yet.
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My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy.
I call it her Dolly Llama.
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