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A guy goes in for a job interview and sits down with the boss.
The boss asks him, β€œWhat do you think is your worst quality?”
The man says β€œI’m probably too honest.”
The boss says, β€œThat’s not a bad thing, I think being honest is a good quality.”
The man replies, β€œI don’t care about what you think!”

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

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Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said it was for "2 to 4 years."

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β€œI’m sorry” and β€œI apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

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"Waiter, what is this?"
"It's bean soup."
"I'm not asking what it's been, I'm asking what it is!"

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Mother, "How was school today, Johnny?"
Johnny, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Oh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Johnny, "What school?"

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Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

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What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

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My annual performance review says I lack β€œpassion and intensity.” I guess management hasn’t seen me alone with a Big Mac.

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Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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