A boss buys his employee a bottle of liquor to celebrate Labor Day.
The employee goes, βI havenβt bought alcohol in 15 years. Iβm 15 years free.β
The boss replies, βIβm so sorry mate. I didnβt mean to break your sobriety!β
The employee responds, βSobriety? No, I just have been stealing alcohol for 15 years and drinking it for free.β
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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
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Why shouldnβt you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
Theyβre not ripe yet.
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Youβre so fat that when you fell over, the ambulance had to bring a crane.
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How does Uranus like its coffee?
Black, with a little bit of gas.
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Red ship hits blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
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A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.
An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
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Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?
It was growing toxic by the day.
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I have a friend who is an expert on Uranus.
Heβs a real gas-trologist!
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Yo mama so dumb her IQ is lower than Jeffy the Puppet.
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Public Service Announcement:
βIf you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggsβ
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Whatβs the difference between Stephen Hawking and the computer heβs hooked up to?
The computer runs.
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A Native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.
As they were driving along, the Native American noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.
The city man replied, βItβs a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife.β
The Native American looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said, βGood trade.β
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Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?
He came in with buns glazing.
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What do farmers give their wives on Valentineβs Day?
Hogs and kisses.
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What do you call a clock on the Harvest Moon?
A lunartick.
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What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?
Letβs go to Dunkinβ Donuts for the hole food protein!
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How are pandas made?
You punch a polar bear in the eyes.
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Why are dyslexic people religious?
Because they think god is manβs best friend.
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Teacher: βJohn, show us where North America is.β
John: βHere it is.β
Teacher: βGood! Now, class, who discovered North America?β
Class: βJohn!β
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