Why did the girl sit on the clock?
She just wanted to be on time.
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I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
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I’d tell you a rumor about some butter on a piece of toast, but you might spread it.
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How do zombies eat healthier?
They switch to vegetarians.
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“Am I mentioned in the will?” the nephew asked anxiously.
“You certainly are,” replied the lawyer. “Right here in the third paragraph, your uncle says: To my niece Sarah, I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars, to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars, and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say ‘Hi, Charles’.”
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Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper...
I’d like to shake his hand.
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After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.
I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”
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The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.”
The pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.”
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
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I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.
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To make mistakes is human.
To blame someone else for your problem, is strategic.
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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
It’s hard to lose a bowling ball.
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People always pick their noses, but I never did.
I have always liked the one nose that I was born with.
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What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad”
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Public Service Announcement:
“If you get a new baby bunny for Easter, it is not laying little brown chocolate eggs”
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A little known fact about president Trump is that he’s an avid Fortnite fan.
What with all the walls being built?
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As today is Mother’s Day, I have three special words for my Mom:
“What’s for dinner?”
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If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks...
Why is there a light in the fridge?
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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