Where does the moon go to get its qualifications?
Moon-iversity!
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Why shouldn’t you ask Yoda for money?
He’s a little short.
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A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.
The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.
The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.
At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.
The farmer admits that they’ve done very well—so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!
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During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking what’s behind me on our Zoom call.
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Person 1: “Hey! I see a UFO up there in the sky take a picture now!”
Person 2: “Wait, I have to get the worst camera I have.”
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“How long has your unit been broken?” says the specialist.
“Two weeks,” says the customer.
“Why did you wait so long?” says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.”
“My in-laws were here,” said the customer. “They wanted to stay for a month.”
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So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance. All of a sudden, one of the back doors swung open, and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder.
I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911.
The operator said, “911, what’s your emergency?”
I said, “Yes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it’s going to, I can deliver it right now!”
The operator replied, “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.”
I asked, “What kind of vehicle would that be?”
The operator said, “A toe-truck!”
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It is hotter than a lady wolf under a full moon.
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My sister so dumb she genuinely spent lockdown studying for a COVID test.
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I recently took a trip to learn more about Greek culture and to gain a greater appreciation of their amazing works of art and architecture.
The British museum is a really cool place.
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Why do moths like the light?
Because if they liked the dark they’d be goths.
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What does a popsicle become when it melts?
Sticky.
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When the moon is being super grumpy, its parents turn to each other and say, “Gibbous strength!”
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What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?
They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.
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Why did Uranus start a comedy club?
Because it wanted to be the butt of all jokes.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
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Lava is the hipster of the geology community.
It knew how to rock before it was cool.
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A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn’t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies, “Autumn.”
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, “I hear you are 102!”
“That’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.
“Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”
“Thank you,” said the old man humbly.
“Do you mind if I ask...”
“How am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. “Help me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
“You see,” said the old man, “I’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”
“But if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, “how come your wife is in such great shape too?”
“Well,” smiled the old man, “she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”
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You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
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