Spider-Man borrowed his momβs car to take it out for a spin.
π π π
I started dating this girl in high school just because we had the same class schedule.
What can I say? We had Chemistry together.
π π π
Why does the Easter Bunny drink beer?
He loves the hops.
π π π
An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.
Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.
When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayerβs Rock.
The witch doctor says, βYou bloody fool, didnβt you see the sign by the cash register that says βNO RETURNSβ.β
π π π
Why didnβt the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
π π π
Did you hear about the new strategy where companies collaborate with ill celebrities?
Itβs called influenza marketing.
Itβs really going viral.
π π π
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
π π π
I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.
I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.
π π π
I went to a church menβs campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.
Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.
A few minutes go by, then someone asks, βHey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good.β
βTo which Joe replies, βChocolate sausage.β
This gets everyoneβs attention.
When the sausage finished cooking, Joe offers a piece to anyone who wanted to try it.
A few of the guys take a cut and eat it, then get confused looks on their faces.
The same guy asks Joe again, βThis doesnβt taste any different than normal sausage. Chocolate?..β
Still waking up, Joe clears his throat and says, βThe horse was named Chocolate.β
π π π
The US government has been there for us through hard times from the great depression, the numerous market crashes, through pandemics of flu and tragedies like the loss of American lives.
Iβm starting to think theyβre bad luck.
π π π
I canβt decide if I want to watch the original Star Trek of The Next Generation.
I guess you could say Iβm stuck between a Spock and a Picard place.
π π π
I saw a blue horse the other day.
I guess you could say it was a rare-colored mare.
π π π
Youβre on your death bed and youβre known as a practical joker in the family. What do you say as your last joke with your dying breath?
The cornyer the better!
π π π
A boss buys his employee a bottle of liquor to celebrate Labor Day.
The employee goes, βI havenβt bought alcohol in 15 years. Iβm 15 years free.β
The boss replies, βIβm so sorry mate. I didnβt mean to break your sobriety!β
The employee responds, βSobriety? No, I just have been stealing alcohol for 15 years and drinking it for free.β
π π π
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
π π π
Why shouldnβt you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
Theyβre not ripe yet.
π π π
Youβre so fat that when you fell over, the ambulance had to bring a crane.
π π π
How does Uranus like its coffee?
Black, with a little bit of gas.
π π π
Red ship hits blue ship...
Sailors marooned.
π π π
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away.
An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
π π π