You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
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Yo mama so fat when I saw her on Tinder, swiped left and she was still on the screen.
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What did Yoda say to Anakin on his wedding day?
May divorce be with you.
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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: “Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”
2st officer: “I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”
1st officer: “I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it—a low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leapt from the shadows, teeth and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”
2st officer: “Of course you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”
1st officer: “No, right now when I went ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”
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Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
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What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?
Bluffalo.
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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now. Her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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Unfortunately, many mushroom puns are in spore taste.
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What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
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What’s the only type of melon that changes colors at will?
A chamelon.
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
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What would you name Will if he was one of the Wheelers?
Third Wheeler.
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“Man, my sinuses are on fire!”
“An allergy?”
“No, a metaphor.”
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CNN made a joke article for April Fools.
Just another day in the office.
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What’s a teacher’s favorite way to celebrate National Teacher Day on May 2nd?
By giving students a pop quiz to see if they’ve been may-taining their knowledge.
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My kids have recently been super obsessed with the moon and my wife is starting to get worried.
I told her not to worry, it’s only a phase.
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The ice cream parlor asks for my order.
Parlor: “Hello Sir, can I take your order?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”
Parlor: “I’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”
Me: “Yes, with nuts.”
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Outbreak: New Strain of Bird Flu Discovered!!!
It’s called Chirpies.
It’s a Canarial Disease.
It’s Untweetable.
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What do you give an influencer with bad breath?
A tik tok.
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