What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?
They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.
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Why did Uranus start a comedy club?
Because it wanted to be the butt of all jokes.
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How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
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Lava is the hipster of the geology community.
It knew how to rock before it was cool.
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A couple goes to an art gallery.
They find a picture of a woman with only her privates covered with leaves.
The wife doesn’t like it and moves on, but the husband keeps looking.
The wife asks: “What are you waiting for?”
The husband replies, “Autumn.”
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, “I hear you are 102!”
“That’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.
“Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”
“Thank you,” said the old man humbly.
“Do you mind if I ask...”
“How am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. “Help me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
“You see,” said the old man, “I’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”
“But if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, “how come your wife is in such great shape too?”
“Well,” smiled the old man, “she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”
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You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
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Yo mama so fat when I saw her on Tinder, swiped left and she was still on the screen.
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What did Yoda say to Anakin on his wedding day?
May divorce be with you.
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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: “Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”
2st officer: “I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”
1st officer: “I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard it—a low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leapt from the shadows, teeth and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.”
2st officer: “Of course you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!”
1st officer: “No, right now when I went ‘Rrrraaaaaarrrrr!’.”
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Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
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What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?
Bluffalo.
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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She’s at the ER now. Her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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Unfortunately, many mushroom puns are in spore taste.
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What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
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What’s the only type of melon that changes colors at will?
A chamelon.
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I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
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What would you name Will if he was one of the Wheelers?
Third Wheeler.
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“Man, my sinuses are on fire!”
“An allergy?”
“No, a metaphor.”
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