Yo mama so fat when I saw her on Tinder, swiped left and she was still on the screen.
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What did Yoda say to Anakin on his wedding day?
May divorce be with you.
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Two retired British Army officers are speaking.
1st officer: βSay, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?β
2st officer: βI dare say Iβve not heard that one.β
1st officer: βI decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village, and armed with my rifle we set out.
Several hours into the hunt and deep in a mangrove swamp, we stumbled upon fresh tracks.
It was not more than a few minutes of tracking the great beast when we heard itβa low, guttural sound from behind.
I quickly turned and as I readied my rifle, the tiger leapt from the shadows, teeth and claws bared. Rrrraaaaaarrrrrr! I shat my pants.β
2st officer: βOf course you shat your pants, old chap. You were attacked by a Bengal Tiger!β
1st officer: βNo, right now when I went βRrrraaaaaarrrrr!β.β
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Why did the chef add extra oregano to the sauce?
He was making up for lost thyme.
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What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?
Bluffalo.
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What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
βCheer up!β
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My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. Sheβs at the ER now. Her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily, I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
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Unfortunately, many mushroom puns are in spore taste.
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What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
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Whatβs the only type of melon that changes colors at will?
A chamelon.
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I hate when Iβm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
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What would you name Will if he was one of the Wheelers?
Third Wheeler.
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βMan, my sinuses are on fire!β
βAn allergy?β
βNo, a metaphor.β
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CNN made a joke article for April Fools.
Just another day in the office.
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Whatβs a teacherβs favorite way to celebrate National Teacher Day on May 2nd?
By giving students a pop quiz to see if theyβve been may-taining their knowledge.
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My kids have recently been super obsessed with the moon and my wife is starting to get worried.
I told her not to worry, itβs only a phase.
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The ice cream parlor asks for my order.
Parlor: βHello Sir, can I take your order?β
Me: βYes, Iβd like a male hot fudge sundae please.β
Parlor: βIβm sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?β
Me: βYes, with nuts.β
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Outbreak: New Strain of Bird Flu Discovered!!!
Itβs called Chirpies.
Itβs a Canarial Disease.
Itβs Untweetable.
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What do you give an influencer with bad breath?
A tik tok.
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What city is the feminist capital of the world?
Manhatinβ.
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