How was your ear operation?
Thursday.
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My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
It was the end of my Korea.
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Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.
Both of them have a great time.
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What is a vampireβs worst fear?
Tooth decay.
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I got abducted by aliens...
I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.
It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.
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Whatβs a guitaristβs favor type of cheese?
Shredded cheese.
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Whatβs the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
Oops!
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Why did the girl sit on the clock?
She just wanted to be on time.
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I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
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If a jockey wears jockey shorts, and a basketball player wears basketball shorts, what kind of shorts does the President wear?
Depends.
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Iβd tell you a rumor about some butter on a piece of toast, but you might spread it.
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How do zombies eat healthier?
They switch to vegetarians.
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βAm I mentioned in the will?β the nephew asked anxiously.
βYou certainly are,β replied the lawyer. βRight here in the third paragraph, your uncle says: To my niece Sarah, I bequeath a hundred thousand dollars, to my cousin Janice fifty thousand dollars, and to my nephew Charles, who was always curious to know if he was mentioned in my will, I say βHi, Charlesβ.β
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Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper...
Iβd like to shake his hand.
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After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.
I think, βIf I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.β
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The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: βI am the pope.β
St. Peter: βWho? Thereβs no such name in my book.β
The pope: βIβm the representative of God on Earth.β
St. Peter: βDoes God have a representative? He didnβt tell me.β
The pope: βBut I am the leader of the Catholic church.β
St. Peter: βThe Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, Iβll check with the boss.β
St. Peter walks away through Heavenβs Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: βThereβs a dude standing outside who claims heβs your representative on earth.β
God: βI donβt have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, Iβll ask Jesus.β
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: βYes father, whatβs up?β
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: βWait, Iβll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.β
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why heβs laughing.
Jesus: βRemember that fishing club Iβve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!β
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I hate when Iβm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
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I didnβt always like mushrooms, but theyβve finally started to grow on me.
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To make mistakes is human.
To blame someone else for your problem, is strategic.
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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
Itβs hard to lose a bowling ball.
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