What do you call a female crab who is also single?
Ms. Shell.
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A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, โHereโs a pill for English literature.โ
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
โWhat else do you have?โ asks the student.
โWell, I have pills for art history, biology and world history,โ replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.
Then the student asks, โDo you have a pill for math?โ
The pharmacist says, โWait just a moment,โ and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
โI have to take that huge pill for math?โ inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, โWell, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow.โ
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So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, โSonny, would you like some nuts? Iโve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if youโd like.โ
โSure.โ, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
โWhat a nice ladyโ, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, โWhy donโt you eat them yourself?โ
โBecause weโve got no teeth,โ she replied.
โThen why do you buy them?โ, I asked.
โOh, because we just love the chocolate around them.โ
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Scientists have discovered that crabs hear through their legs.
They said they yelled at a crab and it ran away.
Then they cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And this time the crab didnโt run away.
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What do a lion and a computer have in common?
They both have mega bites.
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Once you understand why the pizza is made round.
Packed in a square box.
And eaten as a triangle.
Then you will understand vomen.
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All the adults judged me because I jumped into the ball pit at the childrenโs activity center.
Itโs like theyโd never seen a naked man before.
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Yo mama so fat when she jumped people got an earthquake alert on their phones.
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Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?
Because it refuses to ketchup.
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I watched a baseball game once, where the umpire kept wandering about, and was eventually knocked out by a ball.
It was the fall of the roaminโ umpire.
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What do you call racist jokes that are made about black people?
Dark humor.
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Why are locksmiths allowed to remain open on Labor Day?
They are key workers.
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We really need to keep planet earth nice and tidy.
It is not Uranus, you know.
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I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
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You got the whole world in your nose. How lucky are you.
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My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Weโll see about that.
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Three men are working on a building site.
Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
โBy god,โ the man exclaims, โI hate ham sandwiches. Iโve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.โ
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
โHoly crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. Iโm with you buddyโif I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, Iโm killing myself.โ
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
โI donโt believe itโanother tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time Iโve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldnโt have to work on this sordid site no more! Iโm sick of itโcount me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, Iโm killing myself.โ
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man โ a ham sandwich, the second โ a cheese sandwich, the third โ a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
โIf only Iโd known how much he didnโt like ham sandwiches,โ says the first manโs wife, โI always thought he was being ironic!โ
โAnd if only Iโd known how much he didnโt like cheese sandwiches,โ says the second manโs wife, โI always thought he was being sarcastic!โ
โAnd if only Iโd known how much he didnโt like tuna sandwiches,โ says the third manโs wife, โbut I donโt know what good it would have doneโthe fool made his own lunch!โ
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
โDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ
The little boy nodded yes.
โSo,โ the coach continued, โIโm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโt argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, โAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโs not good sportsmanship to call your coach โa worthless idiotโ is it?โ Again the little boy nodded.
โGood,โ said the coach. โNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ
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โThere is no Godโ โ Stephen Hawking, 2011.
โThere is no Stephen Hawkingโ โ God, 2018.
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What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?
The wrong firework.
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