Yo momma so fat she can’t reach her back pocket.
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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
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Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?”
Little Johnny: “About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”
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A little known fact about president Trump is that he’s an avid Fortnite fan.
What with all the walls being built?
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The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
“Ma’am,” said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.”
There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, “So that’s why no one was in church today...”
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Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
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A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.
“You got to ride him to win,” the trainer says, “because I’ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.”
“Will there be any room for me?” the jockey asks.
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Call me a dentist, because you are too sweet.
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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?
Plenty of room.
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Yo mama’s so weak-minded that I got her to lead me to Jabba without using a Jedi mind trick!
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I used to have a problem with my sinuses.
Until I bought a calculator.
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The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.
Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.
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Why did Spider-Man flush the toilet?
Because it was his duty!
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Those who study the moon are real optimists, they tend to look at the bright side.
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Yo mama’s so dumb she thought a lightsaber has fewer calories!
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I recently ran an ultra marathon in northern Sweden.
I realized that I had gone way off course as soon as I crossed the Finnish line.
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Why didn’t the barber ask the question about beards?
He was shaving it for later.
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A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
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The last twenty-five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.
For instance, I've lived through more Spider-Man re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.
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Your mama so stupid I told her Christmas was around the corner and she went looking for it.
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