What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
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I’m on the rotation diet.
Every time I turn around, I eat.
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Did you know Uranus is so big, it can’t even fit into lightweight jeans?
It needs quasar sizes!
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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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What is a sloth’s favorite form of exercise?
Running late.
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Why did the girl sit on the clock?
She just wanted to be on time.
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Do you know that Albert Einstein’s birthday was on Pi Day i.e., March 14, 1879?
Perhaps he served pie for his birthday instead of cake.
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Whenever my wife asks me to clean the kitchen, I show her funny videos until she forgets she asked.
But now she says she’s had enough of my delaying TikToks.
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What’s a neckbeard’s favorite thing to put on toast?
Marm’lady.
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Shouldn’t you be minding your business and looking out for low flying objects?
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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.
Unfortunately, it just seems to have made him more sluggish.
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All mushrooms are edible.
But some mushrooms are only edible once.
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him, “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says, “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
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My father was stupid.
He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
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Not saying I live in a rough area but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
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Forgot it’s April Fools’!
What’s the simplest way to really quickly get some friends, so I can prank them?
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One day you can be a morning person, but today is not that day.
It’s the afternoon.
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What did the sign on the baker’s door read when she wanted to be alone?
Donut disturb.
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When we were children, we used to refer to our granddad as Spider-Man.
He didn’t have any special powers, he just couldn’t get out of the bath without any assistance.
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Your momma so short she takes a shower in a raindrop.
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